Something different?

If you got directed here from the main blog - ha! Wuss! (and hello!)

I just want to horde my ideas so …

This is the rump of a very bad play I tried to write.

As you’ll see the ideas are…and it is meant to be tongue in cheek. I wonder if I get gentle irony, or not?

And if you are " God Squad" - i.e. devoutly Christian/religious, this might not be for you...

Most of the action takes place at the weekly Thursday morning meeting between the two protagonists that they have to discuss business, soul divvying up and so forth.

There is a sub-plot about a man who is wandering about with a soul that is not his own, nor does it seem to belong to either G or D…much to their consternation.

The Players: Act 2
God – A young man in a black pinstripe business suit. A dead ringer for Alan Rickman.
The Devil – A 40-something woman in a white toga.
God’s right hand angel (name escapes me currently)


Act 1 God – an older version of himself, all in white with white beard. Still Alan Rickman look-alike.
Devil - A redheaded woman. Early 30’s. Wearing a black business suit that is a bit too…gauche
The angel again. Plus a few other hard bodied men.

Final bit: (and it’s not in order).

__________??????
D So you’re saying you’ve never interfered at all since day 1? Or 8, if you’re being literal.
G Um, well.
D Ha! Knew it! Knew you couldn’t resist meddling! I mean, what about all those “spiritual” people like …er…Henry VIII?!
G Henry VIII?!!!!
D Ok, bad example, but you know what I mean, let’s not split hairs here.
G I don’t think Henry VIII is splitting hairs!
D Yeah! Heads more like! Heh heh! Ah! The Good Ol’ Days!!! Oh for another Henry – ahhhhhh!
G Come now –
D (On a roll) Oh! Yeah! Look at you! Distracting me like that with tales of corruption and murder – legalised too! (gives G look of admiration). Sneaky! Gotta admit, you almost had me there!
G But –
D Yeah! BUT! But, it didn’t, see! So, go on! Say you didn’t interfere, ever!
G (disconcerted) Um…let me…see…now…
D (excitedly) Y’ see! You can’t! You can’t! So you did!!!
G Will you give me a minute?!
D Oh, alright then! I suppose I might have a few…million million to spare! (laughs)
G You are so childish!
D And? Whose fault is that?
G (exasperatedly) Honestly! If I’d ‘ve known…
D But you did, Daddy…er…Mummy, er…y’know! And anyway, you still did!
G What? What are you on about? Did? Did what?
D Did. You did what you did even though or even because you did. Know, that is!
G Urrgh! Give me strength!!!
D (momentarily confused) Strength? You don’t need str – oh! Hum. The less said about that, the better, don’t you think?
G Think? About what? Str-?
D –No! Not what you think! The answer to my question!
G (pause). Oh. Yes…the answer is …er…let’s just say that while I installed the line, I didn’t call anybody.
D Eh?
G I’m saying that while some might actually have, or have had, as opposed to the many who claim to have, the right number; it was always up to them to pick up the phone.
D Whaaaaaaaaaat? (pause) Are you trying to make me believe that there’s a …a … bat phone or something hidden in your office?!!!
G The toilet, actually.
D Ewwww! Too much information!!! But –
G (somewhat absent-mindedly) What?
D But…?
G (getting irritated) What!?
D Oooh! I hate it when you do that! (sneakily)I mean…what’s the number? Do you have those lovely recorded messages? (Mimics posh English accent)
“Press 1 for inspiration, 2 for guidance or 3 for fulfilment. If you wish to speak to an operator, you are number 10 billion to the power of 10 in the queue (lost souls and those seeking parole from Purgatory not included) and…”
G (interrupting) It doesn’t work like that!
D (wheedling) Soooo…how does it work?
G You wouldn’t understand.
D Try me!
G I already did! Look what happened!
D Eh? Oh! Heh, heh! Well…you know…! Things didn’t turn out so bad, did they?
G Well that’s a matter of opinion!!
D Yeah! And in my opinion …!
G But it’s my opinion that counts.
D Ooooh! Look who’s getting snotty now!
Bet you weren’t like that when you were on the phone to Moses, were you?! And…come to think of it, they didn’t have phones in Moses’ time! So you’ve been telling leetle porky pies!!!
G You know I don’t do that!
D So, how do you talk to them? The people, I mean. Cause, you know. It ain’t face to face, is it?!
G No, of course it’s not face to face-
D (interrupting) – I mean, look at what happened when you mooned at Moses! Sent him doo- ooo – lall-lleee!
G I DO NOT moon at people!!!
D Sure you do! I mean, you bared your bo-tom, didn’t you!?!
(cheekily) I hope you washed it before you did, y’know! Checked for zits and flaps of skin and things, y’know! So tell me, do you have a hairy - ?
G – ENOUGH!!!!
D (muted, worried, quiet) ooh. Er…ok! (gaining confidence) So, um the humour bypass took, I see? (a little awkwardly) Um, heh! (questioning) Joke…bypass, … geddit?
G Yes! I DO get it! (menacing, exasperated) When will YOU get it?
D Er…what? You got somethin’ more for me? …You gonna take another day off?
G ANOTHER day off?!! I did that once ! Once. Just once! And look what happened!!
D (whiningly) I don’t think I did that bad a job …
G Hmmph!
D (hurridly) Look. If apples weren’t everyone’s cup of tea, which they’re not, cause you don’t make tea out of apples, unless maybe it’s apple herbal tea, but anyway not everyone likes herbal tea which is good cause it’s not, the tea I mean, then you’d ‘ve got rid of ‘em anyway, wouldn’t you? From Eden, I mean.
G (confused) Who’s talking apples?
D Me. Well, not strictly apples. More words. Honeyed words. You know how bad the early scribes were, right? About apples, is what it should have said you see, but…(changing subject)
D. Anyways, what did happen?
G You should know. Didn’t you see? Where were you?
D Um…err…Sodom…Gomorrah? Er…things get kinda hazy at times. Maybe I should lay off the booze now and again…?
G …or maybe I shouldn’t have erased your memory…?
D YOU WHAT?!!!! YOU…YOU…HOW DARE YOU?!!!!
G Quite easily. (waves hand).
D Hello. Who are you?
G …Oh, but this is tiresome! (waves hand).
D…I mean! Erasing others’ memories is fine. I do it all the time, myself. I mean me; to others that is; and that’s fine. And good. Well, not good, bad, evil more like. But fun. For me. I remember that time when…But anyway. That’s good. To me. Which probably isn’t really Good, but what else is it? To me, that is? So…anyway…uh…what happened then?
G Do you want to know what I did?
D Well. That is usually what the answer to the question “What did you do?” entails.
G You didn’t ask that!
D Phargh! Semantics! Look, we’re almost out of time, hurry up, hurry up!
G (condescendingly) We have all the time in eternity…
D And you think I want to spend it with you…?
G Do you think you have a choice?
D Look! Just get on with it already!
G I’ll give you a hint. Who do you look like?
D Me? Look like? Mae West? Barbara Streisand? Heh heh! No, only kidding.
You know…M’sieur Dapper, menacing but probably sexy to the over 50s and blue-rinse brigade, himself! I’ve styled myself on him very carefully.
G So…
D (looks blank. Smiles) Yup?
G You are the image of …!
D (realisation slowly dawning) Yup! (blank again) Er. What’s that got to do with anything?
G You created yourself in the image of…
D (still not getting it) Yeah and you …but…you created man in your own image and you’re a –
G (encouragingly) …yes…?!
D um…?
G think!
D you’re a …hey!
G Exactly!
D But if Eve was made from Adam’s rib then…
G Think about it. Would an all-powerful being make such a cock-up as man…?

(Fin)

(Ok the ending’s a bit weak, but...I think you’ll get it?)